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Dec. 16th, 2007 @ 11:23 pm
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I want to, through the only way in which I can possess him, take over his intellect and sensibility through my expression, and make him mine in this way. I want my prose to be the body he would embrace if there werent duties and other loves to stop him from doing so. And how many times will I make love to you through the wings of metaphores and exaggerated cliches? Awaking more longing and need than your Venus ever could. I will discover your skin in my dreams and then depict my experiences in a text, where I will idolize you more than in imagination. And it will always stay like that; it'll be each and every time a too sickly sweet perfection because of its un-attainability.
And when you read all this and ask yourself if this erotized little girl is who I am, you will have to accept this distorted picture of myself because I am not like this and can only be in a world of fiction, which is where I allow myself to let go held on to this love in such a shameless way.
And I take my time to write all this and do it as perfectly as my imperfection permits me; nonetheless, making my best to make myself omnipotent in the only area where I can be. There I will be queen and goddess of every factuality but accepting that stepping into the reign of your perception and interpretation, every try of mine can fail and destroy my literary house of cards. Still it stays on paper that, despite whichever words the players of the tables of your head recite to you, I will stay mad about you and enjoy this one-sided love until it burns, burns out or consumes me. |
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Jul. 2nd, 2006 @ 07:55 pm
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I love having this journal without friends, without anyone who knows me, or even without people who could at least read it, because like this its only mine =) I know I could just buy a normal diary and write on it, but there its slower and you always have the risk of someone finding it and reading it. And then having to store books and books as the years pass... And with the normal diary you totally ahve to forget to find a stranger who could come, read who you really are and become your friend (not that I would write lies in my other journal, but some stuff i cant say there, all my friends know each other too well for that, and they would just tell each other everytime im mad at one of them).
Here I have to stop to explain that this doesnt mean I dont have great friends. I adore my friends, some of them are far and with some of them I dont speak very often, but when you need them they just appear, say a couple of maybe clumsy words but you understand that theyre there, that they love you and that if they could, they would change the world for you. The problem is that I do feel that my other journal has barriers, since I dont wanna speak to some people anymore but dont wanna be open about it for formal reasons.
Here I can write stuff like how in the past week I had to question so many things about myself (things that to some people i know and read my journal would seem trivial and obvious), like overestimating myself about some stuff, and how bad it felt to have told some people i would manage that test like it was a piece of cake while I failed it.... I had to ask myself if I wasnt too secure of deserving some stuff while im not the one to judge what i deserve and what not. I asked myself why I was so naive in believing my abilities were so obvious that i needed to win that fight against the rules of the university. I think in great part, eventhough people tell me I did my best and what I thought was right, it was my fault that everything turned out so problematic, simply because I wasnt humble enough to do take the chances they gave me (which were flexible enough), even if I was right when I thought I could manage university already. and even if theyre right with me trying my best, I cannot avoid trying to find my part of the responsibility in the whole thing, because i really cannot just blame everybody else. And yes, I do think I exagerated, I believed I was still in school where all teachers knew me and always gave me right. I am far away from them, and cannot expect to convince people like I convinced the people who saw me grow. This is another world, and it would be stupid from me to pretend I can adapt it to me; I have to adapt to it. |
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Jul. 2nd, 2006 @ 07:23 pm
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Things I wish I could tell you, but that I dont because I know its useless:
1) having "I want to revolutionate the world of movies" as a goal is lame and superficial, and only shows how much you want to do things only to receive recognition and to be called genious and stuff like that. If you really wanted to do something with substance and meaning, you would have a concrete idea of what it would be, without expecting it to revolutionate something, and not such a stupid abstract of it. This is not being ambitious, this is being pathetic.
2)You are not my friend (which I knew since long) and you are not able to be a friend, because if I wanted someone to correct my spelling I would make WORD my friend and ontop of that there I can be sure the corrections are right and dont get insulted for making mistakes.
3) You are opinionated only to make people believe you have an authority, which you use to convince people youre right and try to earn their respect (sometimes even fear of saying something) and eventually their admiration. Im sorry for the ones who believe this (I used to) and know that theyll slowly realise of what you do. About the effects it may have against you? God knows, for every 1 person who realises you find 3 that find you great. I doubt youll ever notice all this. I dont care much, I dont need you for anything. I dont even trust your music taste anymore.
4)I think you deny the existance of God partly because you are your own God.
5) Desicions on music taste are 100% subjective. You and a couple other pigheaded bastards think they know whats good and whats not... Blind dummies. Go and document yourselves a little bit better about human expression and then comeback to tell me this or that sucks. you have no idea what a song makes a human being feel, even if its britney spears or god knows who. And thats ontop of that our problem if we hear what we hear. if you find that uneducated what is it to pretend being the music guru and not even knowing how to read music?
6) I dont need you to admire the artistic abilities i never developed, because I have a friend who is a real artist, someone really sensitive and humble, someone who is sweet and human. An artist must be above all a human, not a genious (and youre none of the both, btw), and he is very sensitive and understanding. so go to hell if you think ill miss someone to admire in that sense, specially because even if my friend wasnt there, for you there has been since long nothing else but pity and annoyance.
7) I delete the emails of your comments without reading them; I know that only poison comes out of your mouth, and im not as stupid as to just let you treat me like that. But I just know that when I comment in your journal you cannot avoid to see my comments and have to answer to them. Youre just so predictable.
Note to self: this list will grow if the chance comes to add more points. even though I hope I can cut all comunication ways with this person.
ohh feel much better.
=) |
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Apr. 20th, 2006 @ 08:26 pm
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I guess I totally overreacted; I really shouldnt take things so (lets not say seriously, but) personal. I mean... When people make things I dont like I should just take a small distance from the whole thing, calm down, accept things like they are, hope for people to calm down and also hope that their butterfly flying doesnt make a storm in africa. |
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Apr. 18th, 2006 @ 08:54 am
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| Your Japanese Name Is... | 
Yumiko Yamashina |
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| » (No Subject) |
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Who are my friends?
Laura
Alvaro
Mr 42
philipp
nina
cindy
Who could become good friends?
Lena
Hopefully rebecca?
Apr. 13th, 2006 @ 04:30 pm
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He said something like "the lj wars are over, and it was a lot of sane fun; they had to block the comments in their journals, and it all happened after a lot of humiliation"
So that, my friends, is what he calls lots of fun.
I don´t wanna have a friend like that. I cannot even consider the option of talking to him, because apart from knowing that he´s extrmely opinionated, I know he wouldnt listen, but far from opinionated he´s turned into a cold monster. He´s not a human being anymore. I cannot live with the thought I have somehow connected very loved friends with the disgrace of having to stand his harrasment.
I won´t ever call him my friend again.
Apr. 13th, 2006 @ 03:53 pm
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| » Ashamed |
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It has had me thinking about it intensively since yesterday; i can´t help the feeling that if my friends had enough power, they would repeat the holocoust in the name if their egos, fears and what they call intelligence.
They have initiated another Livejournal war, which is how I call this stupid comenting on each others journals with insults, making new Lj users pretending to be other people, commenting anonimously and then making monster entries in their own Ljs telling how everything is a joke and pretending is not that bad (of course is not that bad when you´re not the one being insulted). I feel really sad about it all, because 3 of my friends insult and humiliate people they dont even know (another band of friends of mine) and behave like it was a game. It is so horrible to see people you love trying their best to be monsters... I cannot take it, I feel ashamed to call them my friends. I really wish I could apologize to the otherones and ell them, hey, I´m sorry through me they had contact to you and now get insulted by them. Please don´t think I´m like them, cuz I try my best everyday to be a good person, I would never try to hurt you.
the girl who gets attacked the most is someone I started being friends with when we were in 8th grade, being outcasts together, protecting each other from the rejection of other people. In the meantime we have gone over it and made lots of new friends, but it´s not fair what´s happening, because eventhough she has suffered as much as the mean friends, she has gone over it peacefully and has learned. why does she need to pull up with it again? Her bf is being harrassed only for being her bf, and her other friends too, all being called pseudointelectuals.
the truth for me is, that the protagonist of the story, the friend of mine who does this the most and enjoys it the better, has turned into a complete stranger to me. He is not anymore the sweet sensitive guy he used to be when I met him a couple of years before. He travelled and turned into an egocentric bastard, with not a single drop of compasion and a hunger for attention that I cannot understand. today is his bday, and I cannot congratulate him... I don´t wanna be happy for another year of life of the monster he has made of himself. But the funny thing is, that what he´s doing doesnt surprise me, because he did the same with me, eventhough I was his friend, and although we "are" friends again, deep inside I refuse to have contact with him.
He´s not intelligent, intelligence without virtue cannot exist, and he has lost all my respect, absolutely all my respect.
Of my other two friends, I´m plainly dissapointed, and i´m deeply sad the worse of human beings can emerge in close friends, in people you love and who say to love you.
I´m ashamed.
Apr. 11th, 2006 @ 03:54 pm
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mysecondbest's journal